i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
