doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize