She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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