WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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