Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
