Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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