Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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