shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
