So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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