I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
