you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
