Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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