Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
