In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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