literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize