haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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