sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was like giving head to a cactus.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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