dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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