conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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