I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
