I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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