Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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