i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
