I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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