So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
