im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We need to get me chipped asap
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
