Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize