I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
