I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
