My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
