he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
