Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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