i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
