i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
