whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
