First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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