i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
time to smoke my breakfast
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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