Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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