and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
