I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
