i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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