My hand turned me down
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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