Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
