I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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