i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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