You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i will never coherently bang her
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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