he was CRYING into my vagina
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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