I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
