We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
