If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
