Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
