i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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