I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
