i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
