Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
