I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
