did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
