i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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